The Introvert Speaks (and speaks and speaks...)

I had this idea when I started posting that I would never really get too personal online. The reasons are varied and range from concerns about safety on the internet to an innate difficulty in sharing who I really am with other people. I have always been more of a listener than a sharer.

But I will admit that there is something a little liberating in taking the time to put my thoughts down and send them into the great blue nowhere. It takes conscious effort to know and accept that for all intents and purposes, my words become recorded and searchable forevermore once I hit that "post" button.

Then I hit nerd status in my head because I use words like "forevermore." But I leave it because I love the nerd side of me.

Today I had a discussion with my sis about being single. Lately I have been pondering many things about this particular state of living. Not so much the woe-is-me brand of thinking, or even anything to do with wondering if I will ever move from that state of one to the elusive "plus one" category. It has been more of an examination of making my way through life.

First, I have to be honest that I am not alone. I am surrounded by family who is a wonderful support system and strength to me. They really are my rock. I have been blessed with exceptional friends who do more for me than they can possibly know. I have girlfriends who share this single state and we have the ability to sympathize and help each other in ways that maybe others can't. I have married friends who allow me to be a part of their lives and let me be a surrogate aunt to their amazing kids. It gives me the opportunity to exercise those gifts for nurturing that sometimes feel dormant. I have guys who help me understand my value by just being my friend. It is difficult sometimes to maintain a strong sense of self worth (dare I even say self-esteem). Acceptance by those of the more masculine gender helps me to realize all I have to offer just as I am. I don't have to change everything about me to be acceptable. All of these relationships add flavor and love to my life. I recognize (sometimes painfully) that none of this can measure up to the love that comes from being a wife and a mother. But it doesn't devalue any of the love that surrounds me. And the joy I find in sharing that love.

I am also coming to understand just how much inner strength it takes and will continue to take for me to be single and make my way successfully through life. Every single decision and every choice is on my shoulders alone. I can talk and counsel with friends and relatives, but in the end the only person who will be there to determine the right path is me. It makes me stronger and I am certain that is a good thing. But how often do people with a significant other take it for granted that someone will be there with them, to talk and pray and make decisions together? To build faith and trust together and know he or she has your best interests at heart? It is not about being alone or lonely, but I do recognize it as a trial that I have the opportunity to be stretched in just this way. Like all trials it does get a little painful at times.

Many people might look at my life and envy the easy parts. These are the blessings that come along with being single. There is a great deal of freedom in my life. My time and my resources are largely my own. I have unlimited possibilities for where I can go, what I can do, and who I can become. I can travel and see the world. I have the ability to work in a career that makes me feel like I make a true contribution to something worthwhile. I have the ability to continue my own personal growth through whatever path I choose whether through education or some other form of study and learning. There is no hobby or skill that is closed to me if I want to pursue it.

Just as the grass is always greener, someone from the outside looking in might not see a lot of the challenges that come along with those blessings. They might simplify what is hard for me. There is pain and anguish and loss and worry and fear that comes with every path through life. And those feelings are very real. The reasons I have those feelings might be laughable for someone else. But I need to remember that the tests and trials that come in my life are not less substantial just because so many of them are fought within my heart and mind.

My hope is that all of the experiences in my life make me more compassionate to those around me. If I am sometimes misunderstood, I hope it helps me to work harder to understand others. If I sometimes struggle with feeling overwhelmed, I want to be there to help other people carry their burdens when it feels like too much. If I need a shoulder to cry on, I hope to be that shoulder for someone else.

At the end of the day, sharing my personal thoughts is not easy for me. But if somewhere in the middle of the swirling vortex that is my mind someone finds value, then I am glad to share. Because I think we are all on this journey through life together and I know I can use all the help I can get.