Words

There are a couple words I have been thinking about lately. How they make me feel and what they mean in my life.

The first word is poignant. The dictionary gives four definitions.

1. keenly distressing to the feelings
2. keen or strong in mental appeal
3. affecting or moving the emotions
4. pungent to the smell

The second word is bittersweet. Just two definitions for this.

1. both bitter and sweet
2. both pleasant and painful

These two words have been on my mind because it seems like so often in life the sensations of joy and sorrow are tied together. It is hard to know real joy unless you have known some sorrow. Health is so much more meaningful after illness. It is hard to understand how deeply pain can cut unless you can remember how happiness fills you up to bursting.

Lately there have been many moments that stand out against the backdrop of everyday life. My nephew coming back for one more hug. My sister making plans with me just because she likes my company. My home teacher bringing by ice cream and magic shell. A friend telling stories about what happened at home the night before. Another friend's laughter at a joke. Talking with my mom. Catching someone's eye from across the room to share a smile about an inside joke. Laughing so hard on the ride in to work that tissues were passed around. Blushing when I am teased, half in embarrassment, half because you don't get teased unless you are loved.

There are moments like that when I feel like I have swallowed the sun and the glow is just going to stream out of my fingers. What makes it more sweet to me is the other kind of moments. Feelings on the other side of the scale - hurt and pain and loss and worry. Because life is hard for everyone. And when I have those moments that feel a little like something is breaking inside, I try to remember that without the sadness, beauty and joy become ordinary.

I felt a little of the bittersweet this week. I had an experience that gave me just a glimpse of what it is like to be raising a family, being in a relationship, and the kind of love that can exist inside of that kind of unit. And the joy of sharing in the moment was tempered just a little because my involvement was from the outside. An observer instead of a participant. 

As I have pondered that particular moment, and those particular feelings, I realized how many reasons in my life I have to be grateful. I am surrounded by so much that is good and wonderful. And my choice is whether or not I examine my life from the perspective of what I have or what I am missing. I choose the first option. Yet I will remain grateful for the pulling and tugging I feel inside that draws me to want more. Because that is just another form of hope, and I think hope is the sweetest thing of all.